Hey Good Vegetarians of the UK,

As probably the most carniverous person to ever post on this Forum, I'm hoping you can put aside your natural enmity to try and help me someway down the road to vegetarianism. I've been desperately Googling for some seitan recipes, but have found none that are suitable for someone whose beefy mits even struggle to push the right microwave buttons.

I'm hoping to produce something like Seitan McNuggets. As one of those psychologically-damaged freaky eaters who don't eat any fruit, veg, spices, or herbs, any recipes that even mention these in passing are out. I have a palate as sophisticated as a p*ssed-up John Terry in a kebab-shop, so don't care if the outcome is blander than a PPB from Miliband. Don't care whether it's healthy or not - that ship has sailed and is already halfway across the Atlantic. Actually, something fairly junky might be good to start, and I can refine it after.

Anyone got any links or notes they can share with me? Ideally, I'd like something foolproof with an uninspiring texture (but not rock-hard), so I've got no excuses to silence the mouse-like squeak of conscience that's made my hunt out another meat alternative. I've tried a few other things, but wheat gluten sounds pleasingly mundance, so want to give it a good go.

I have three 250 g packets of Seitan Fix Mix and some breadcrumbs mix (or batter mix).

Could it be something as simple as chucking it all in a frying pan, together with nutritional yeast and oil, then just fry in medium heat until browned on all sides, as per Tasty Breaded Seitan Recipe - Allrecipes.com

The breadcrumbs and batter packets both suggest I need to chuck an egg into the mix. Can this be skipped or is there a benign veggy alternative?

If not, maybe something like the following would work:

1 1⁄2 C Fix Mix
1⁄4 C Breadcrumbs
X (10?) C water

Mix all ingredients in a medium mixing bowl, adding nothing sticks to the bowl edges.
Knead in the bowl for about a minute.
Slice into three relatively equal pieces.
Place into a 4 1⁄2-quart saucepan and bring to a gentle boil.
Reduce the heat to medium low.
Simmer with pot partially covered for an hour.
Maintain the heat so that the liquid barely simmers, and turn the food over during cooking.

Shameless adapted from Seitan Recipe | Starter Guide | Vegan Outreach.

Wish I hadn't spent all those Home Economics classes helping to bully Bug into doing all the practicals, so that we could steal the chocolate chips from the cupboard instead.

Ta muchly.